Extremley capable?
by Asgard warrior
Summary: My name is Willow. I am 17 and about to be adopted by a suspicious character named "Lestat" and his boyfriend, along with their demon kindergartener from hell. This ain't gonna end well.
1. Philistines

This story is deeply disturbing. I would not advise that you read it.

Just kidding! It's actually a heartwarming tale about hormones, temper tantrums, and adoption.

That's not true either. Basically, all you need to know about this story is that it involves me, that fool of a social worker, and two suspiciously pale homosexual men.

Still wanna read it?

All right then. I knew you would.

I didn't like this "Lestat" character from the beginning. I didn't like his boyfriend either. They gave off an air of... pervert? Yes, that'll work. Pervert. On that fateful day, I was sitting on my bed, being punished by the Philistines that run the orphanage, when I heard the ever-annoying social worker, Tricia's, voice.

"Now, what _kind_ of child are you looking to adopt?" she trilled. I froze, not believing what I'd heard.

"17 year old." I couldn't see who she was talking to, but they were definitely male. And kind of creepy...

"What gender?"

"Female." Another answered.

I darted to the door, pressing my ear against the keyhole.

"Do you mind if they're a tad... _rebellious?_"

I could _hear_ the suave grin. "Not at all."

I was getting worried. Surely she wouldn't show him...

"I know _just_ the one! Follow me, gentlemen."

_Fuck._

I flung myself back onto my bed, and tried to look repentant.

"_Wil-low!_" Tricia called cheerfully from the door. If her voice were any higher, she could star in her own Disney movie. "Would you come out, please?"

"I would," I snarled. "If the door wasn't _locked_."

"Oh. I forgot about that. We keep her door locked at all times, in case she tries to escape again." Tricia explained. "She's quite the troublemaker, you know. In fact, once,-

"Quit slanderizing me, woman!" I shouted from inside. "You have no proof I did that!"

Eventually, they coaxed me out. (More like dragged me.)

"Hello, miss... Willow?" the man asked with a grin. Like I said before, I immediately didn't like him. He looked _just_ like a cheese-eating surrender monkey, and his boyfriend looked like a wimp. First target, locked and acquired.

"Yes. And you are?" I snapped, trying to make him dislike me.

"Lestat. Just Lestat."

"Alright then, LestatJustLestat, what do you want?"

He silently raised an eyebrow with another smirk. He's pretty good at that. A bit _too_ good. It freaked me out. Take him down immediately. "I applaud you on your smirking skills, but who's your boyfriend?" I jerked my chin at the other guy.

He smiled. "I am Louis." He said.

"Pleasure to meet you, Louie." I frowned, then measured my height against him. Three inches taller. Ha. "I'm taller than yer boyfriend, LestatJustLestat! That's _awesome!_"


	2. They come for my soul

It was three days after that first meeting, and I was still mad as _hell_.

"How dare he patronize me!" I screeched, clawing at my face. "All I did was _observe_ that his boyfriend is shorter than me!"

"Willow, it's really not that bad..." my friend Karen said weakly, picking at her food.

"And Tricia!" I waved my spork, splattering her with 'mashed potatoes', or Strange Tasteless Grey Substance. "Oops. Anyway, I just can't _stand_ her! One of these days, I'm going to beat the shit out of-."

"Willow!" Tricia called from the Cafeteria door, waving cheerfully. How can the woman be so _cheerful?_ "I need to see you!"

Ignoring the floor, I walked along the table, knocking food and plates off, before coming to a stop. "You bellowed?"

She clenched her teeth, not wanting to lose it in front of everybody. "You remember those two nice men you met three days ago? Lestat, I believe?"

I decided to mock her. Again. Am I pig-headed? Yes I am. And proud of it. "_Vividly._" I said, imitating his silky voice. She flushed. Ah-ha. Wicked Witch of Bambi-land had a crush.

"Well, they came back again, to see you!" she piped, suddenly cheerful. "They want to see the adoption forms, and- Willow? _Willow? WILLOW, GET BACK HERE!_"

Wow, I've lost my touch. Usually my escape plans have a lot more panache, including explosives and several accomplices. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and this counted as desperate. So, in light of the situation, I ran for it. I'm faster than Tricia, so I liked my chances. It's not _her_ I'm worried about, but the security guards. You know what? Scratch that. I'm faster than the ten Paul Blart clones any day.

I was almost out the door, when-.

WHAM!

I felt like I had hit a brick wall. A very cold, very humanoid brick wall. That now had hold of my arm. Make that two of them.

_Shit._


	3. I am SUCH an idiot!

I twist and pull, in a futile attempt to get away. I was so close this time, _so close..._

Tricia comes trotting up, her stupid little girly shoes clicking.

"I believe you've lost something." The short one says with a smile. How I despise him.

"Yes, I have- I mean no- erm, uh..." Tricia stutters. I roll my eyes. If this is what love does to a person, thank god I'm so unlovable. Suddenly, I get an idea. It's a long-shot, but it just might work...

"What she means is:_ No, I have not. Please let Willow exit the building now." _ I say, attempting to tug my arm free. Jesus, these guys have grips of steel...

Tricia regains her voice. "No, I meant that..."

She trails off again, staring with huge doe eyes. This is the last straw.

"Um... Tricia? Would you mind telling them to let go of me? They're cutting off circulation. I actually kind of _like_ living, thank you very much."

At the word 'living', the short one flinches. _Aha. _I think._ He's got a weak spot after all. _I start rattling off every synonym for 'living' I can think of.

"Alive, breathing, existence, Mortality, Humanity. (_oooh, those got nice responses!_) The tall one slams his hand over my mouth. "Can't you see you're upsetting the poor man!" Tricia screeches, putting a "sympathetic" hand on his arm.

"Can't you see they're upsetting _me?_" I say,my voice muffled.

The other man smiles. Holy C-4, he has fangs. Freaking _Fangs._

"I'm sure Willow didn't mean to upset him," he says, patting me on the head. (Oh, boy is he asking for it...) "I'm afraid he's rather high-strung."

While I have the chance, I make my move. I sink my teeth into his hand, and make a break for it.

What have I done?


	4. Curses! So close!

_Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap _I thought, as I ran for my life. The good news: For the first time since I started trying to escape, I made it out the front door. The bad news: They were right behind me. I had almost made it down the steps, was almost to freedom, when something collided with the back of my legs. I went down. Hard.

Being the fool that I am, I tried to run again.

The tall one sighed, and threw me over his shoulder, while I spewed profanities at him. I tried biting him again, but that didn't work. I made one last leap for freedom, but he caught me in time.

"You do realize I'm never going to forget this, right?" I growled, glaring at him.

"I do."

"And this doesn't bother you?"

"Not at all."

Tricia looked like I had just impaled her mother with a knitting needle. (Where do I _get_ these things?)

The other kids just stared in mute admiration as they carried me back inside. They were familiar with my antics. I swear I saw money pass hands. (Place bets on me? No!) Karen was shaking her head sadly, as if I had done something to wound her. I had been captured. Tricia had started babbling again. The world was back in balance.

They threw me back into my (_Locked_) room, leaving me to nurse my wounded pride.

Instead of being a good little girl, I started to plot. Oh, they would pay alright. They would pay...


	5. Gay vampires

"Would the Defendant- I mean, _Miss Willow_ like to make any comments?" The overly-mellow judge said. This was my chance.

"Yes. These two men are not fit to be my legal guardians, because I am afraid of them, _and,_ they're Vampires."

"Excuse me?"

"Yes, vampires. Gay vampires."

The look on Tricia's face right then was just priceless.

"Out of bounds, Miss Willow. This is serious." The judge said, giving me a _"stern and fatherly look" (_that sure as hell won't work_)_

It figures. Adults never listen. Especially not to me.

"Custody Granted." *Bangs Gavel importantly*

"WHAT?"

They had to drag me out of the room. Literally DRAG.

"NO! I WON'T GO! THEY'RE VAMPIRES! VAMPIRES, I SAY! _THEY WILL_ _EAT MY SOUL!_"

Eventually, they got me out of there. The judge only suffered minor fractures. Tricia was beside herself with happiness.

"Oh Willow, you're going to be so happy!" She said, bouncing up and down" They won't be anything like your old father, I promise!"

Utter silence.

"Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry..." She cooed, reaching out to hug me.

"Don't touch me!" I snarled, backing away from her. It was too late to run away now; I'd simply get hauled back. My only other options? Suicide or murder. Maybe both. Either way, I'm totally screwed.

Like I've said before, I'm pig-headed. So I ran.

Tricia's already unbearable enough, but bringing up my _father_? That's crossing the line.

I ran into a conveniently- placed park, and hid behind a bush. I wasn't going with them, whether they liked it or not. I wasn't going to cry either. Crying is for pansies. _REAL _men curse. Except, I'm not a man...

"Willow?"

Oh, damn. It's short-stop. Maybe if I pretend I'm not here...

"I know you're there. I can see you.'

_Figures._

**What should Willow do next? I'm confused. Review! Review, I say!**_  
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	6. All Hell Breaks Loose

Wow, I AM losing my touch.

I fell asleep, on a car seat, next to a Vampire. That wants to adopt me. Tricia said that one of them carried me up to my room, and put me to bed.

I'm never going to live his down. _Ever._

I wake up sometime around midnight. Someone is knocking on my door. It's Karen.

"What the Hell?" I slur, not quite awake.

"I wanted to see you." She says simply, shrugging her shoulders.

"At midnight?"

"You have a secret to tell me."

"What secret?"

"About your father. You leave tomorrow. Do you remember your promise?"

"No..."

"You said that before you left, you would tell me."

"Does Tricia know you're here?" I ask, looking up and down the hallway.

"No."

"Alright. Get in."

She sits down next to me on the bed.

"I never really liked my father," I say, "My mother was the only one I could stand. When she died, it was like... _I _had died, and gone to hell. It was like suddenly nobody gave a shit about me. I thought that if I was a boy, my father would love me, so I tried to be one. I ran laps around the building, I got into fights, I exercised, I even broke some poor kid's nose, and it didn't make any difference. He still hated me. There was nothing I could do about it."

"Ouch."

"I ran away three times before I got here. They always sent me back. The last time I saw my house was when I was 9. He had brought some hooker home, and she slapped me. I went crazy. I twisted her arm and threw her down the fire escape. I have no idea if she survived. I didn't care. I ran as fast as I could. Eventually, the cops found me, outside of the hospital where my mother died. They brought me here, and I haven't left since."

"Wow. No wonder you don't like to talk about it." Karen says, her eyes as wide as dinner plates.

"You wanna see the scars?"

"_Scars?_"

"Yeah. If your dad beats you, you're going to have scars."

"Oh, yeah. Right."

I lift up my shirt, and show her my back.

"The big ones down the center are from a broken beer bottle."

"I had no idea..." Karen whispers, running her fingers down my back.

I hear a noise outside.

I throw open the door, and recoil. It's short-stop.

"You!" I hiss, storming over. I pull back my hand and slap him.

"How dare you?" I slap him again, hailing down insults.

"You, BASTARD!"

"I hate you! I hate you, I hate you,_ I_ _HATE YOU!_"

My vision clouds over red as I continue my assault. I can vaguely hear Tricia's voice begging me to stop. I ignore it. Somebody grabs my arms, pinning them behind my back. I kick and scream, letting loose feelings I didn't even know I had. I spit on him, cursing. Someone jabs my arm. Before I black out, I hear Karen screaming.


	7. Worst adopted home, EVER

**I keep messing with the tense. Forgive me.**

**PS: Special thanks to my sister, who helped me write most of this chapter, since I couldn't write the last scene without blushing.  
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You're probably getting tired of my self-degrading intros.

Too bad.

I'm disgusted with myself. How could I not have seen that security guard coming? He's a fat walrus with a goatee and a mustache! He's so conspicuous it hurts! As I have so aptly said before, a Paul Blart clone! Of course, it's sort of my fault...

But how can you blame me? If you were being eavesdropped on whilst revealing your dark, troubled past, you'd be angry too! Jabbing me with sedative was _completely _uncalled for. What am I, an animal!

Breathe Willow, breathe. Don't lose it again.

You think I'm bipolar, don't you?

.

Well, after being _DRUGGED FOR NO APPARENT REASON_, I woke up in a hospital bed. Fatso over there had used too much sedative, and I had been out for three days. (Here's a lesson, kids: _NEVER TRUST FAT PEOPLE WITH NEEDLES_.)

"I _hugged _you?" I asked none other than Louis, my face turning red.

"Yep. You hugged me and told me you loved me _THISSSS MUCHHH." _He said, imitating me in my drugged state. Idiot prick, he's smiling.

_"_Wow, I really hate you right now."

"I know. You beat me up, remember?"

"Sorry 'bout that." I mumbled, cradling my head in my hands.

"You're forgiven."

Then, it occurred to me.

"I still have to go with you, don't I?"

"But of course." He said immediately.

I groaned and banged my head on the headboard. "How many times do I have to run away?" I muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing!" I said in a sing-song voice.

Tricia bounced up, beaming happily. "Oh, Willow dear! I'm so happy you're alright!" I scowled as she hugged me. If the woman touches me one more time, I swear to God, I will go all Rambo on her ass. Rather, Rambo's pissed-off and sarcastic teenage daughter. "I have great news! The paperwork's gone through; you can go home with your new family now!"

Wow. The gods must _really_ hate me.

And there goes my last hope.

.

"Why do you people always slink around at _night?_" I snapped as Lestat and Louis 'dragged' me out.

"I thought you figured that out already." Lestat said mildly.

"Yeah, but I'm just keeping up appearances." I waved at a trucker. "hello! Help! I'm being kidnapped by two extremely gay vampires! Save me!"

He didn't even glance my way. Why do these things never work like they do in 'Are We There Yet'?

Louis opened the door to the surprisingly fancy mansion. "Claudia! We're home!" He called.

A little five-year-old porcelain doll bounced out of the back room. "Daddy!" She shrieked as she threw her arms around his waist. She spotted me and frowned. "Who's she? She's not like that Sha-Sha girl, is she-?"

"No." He cut her off with a blush. "And that was because we were very, _very_ drunk."

"I liked her."

"_CLAUDIA!_"

It's obvious who's the mother in this household. Hermaphrodite.

"Well, if she's not a hooker-." He winced. "-then who is she?"

"Claudia, this is your new sister, Willow." Lestat put a hand on my shoulder and conveniently kicked the door shut. There goes escape.

Before I knew it, Claudia had me pinned down and was forcing my lips up. "Ahh! Get the fuck off me, child!" I screamed.

"She doesn't have fangs." She looked up. "Why did you adopt a mortal girl? She didn't turn up after one of those fangirl visits, did she?"

"_CLAUDIA DE LIONCOURT!_" Louis screamed loud enough to make me wince.

"Listen to your mother, Claudia." Lestat said.

"Yeah, listen to me – HEY!"

"She is _not_ the child of one of the fangirls, though I don't know _how_ you learned about... erm... the 'birds and the bees'."

"Uncle Armand told me last century."

"The bastard-! I mean... uh... the jerk!"

"Nice, Louie." I snickered.

"Anyway. We thought you could use some company." Lestat said.

Louis pointed at him. "_His_ idea."

I struggled away from her and rubbed my arms. "Ow. Jesus, kid, do you work out or something? MORTALITY!" Louis winced, and I snickered again.

She leveled a cold stare at me. "I am older than your great-great-grandmother." She said in her creepy voice.

"Yeah, but I'm taller, kiddo."

She walked up and kicked me in the shins. "_FUCK!_" I screamed, falling to my knees.

"Claudia! Enough!" Louis said sharply."Now, it's almost dawn. Everyone ought to go back to bed." He leveled a stare at me. "Even _you._"

"Now." Lestat looked me over. We only have three beds, and since Louis and I sleep in separate ones, you'll have to bunk with Clau-."

"I call the rattlesnake den." I turned towards the door, and he threw me over his shoulder again. "Will you stop that!" I cried. This just _screams_ child abuse.

Where the hell is CASA when you need them?

.

Well, at least I'm not sharing a _bed_ with the five-year-old from Hell. I just got the somewhat soft couch.

But – unfortunately – the walls between this room and 'Mom and Dad's' room are rather... thin. Therefore, I could literally hear _every single SOUND_ from their room as they were... shall we say... MAKING BABIES! Yeah, I hope you're reading this, you two.

_Worst. Night. Of. My. Life._

Suddenly a hand snaked out of Claudia's bed... with a pistol. She pulled the trigger, and a shot fired through the ceiling. "For God's sakes, I'm a _CHILD!_" She screeched before throwing open the lid to her coffin. Yes, they sleep in coffins. And Tricia asked me if I was high when I said they were vampires.

The sounds next door immediately stopped. "Damn. We need a different room." Louis said darkly, then giggled... rather girlishly. _Ugh._ I'm having nightmares.

"Where did you get the gun?" I asked Claudia.

"I pried it from the cold, dead fingers of my latest victim." She said with her eyes still closed.

"... I can believe that."

Worst.

Adopted family.

_Ever._


	8. THE ORANGE JUICE IS MINE!

I woke up around dusk. I immediately began pawing at my neck to make sure that the child who had been turned down from 'The Exorcist' because she was too scary hadn't taken any drinks from me. No marks. Proceed.

I stood and shuffled through the house, cursing under my breath all the way. All the windows? Locked. Doors? Locked. Back doors? Nailed shut.

_Really?_

I looked around the kitchen and immediately made a beeline for the fridge. I threw it open and found...

Holy... that is the most orange juice I've ever seen.

I must be in heaven.

I snatched one and ripped the top off. I was going to chug it, but at that moment someone tackled be back. "The hell!" I shouted as Lestat tried to grab the orange juice. I held it over my head. "No!"

"It's _MINE!_" He screamed. "It has _ALWAYS_ been mine!"

"You're a freaking vampire! Go drink someone's blood or something!" He growled and tackled me again, trying to snatch it. I pushed him away and dumped it over his head. "How do ya like that, _FANG BOY!_"

He growled again, his eyes burning with rage, the image of which was quite humorous, since he was dripping with pulpy orange juice. "That's it! Screw what Louis says!" He tackled me again, fangs extended. Oh hell.

"Hey! Off!" I whipped out a clove of garlic. Yep, nicked it from Karen. "Eat garlic!" I ground it into his face, keeping him in a headlock.

"_WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?_"

I looked up and saw Louis with a case of bedhead in a fluffy robe with a newspaper tucked under his arm and... pink bunny slippers. With little ears attached.

The hell?

He sighed, rolled his eyes, then walked up and grabbed Lestat. He dragged him off of me and swatted him in the face with the newspaper. "_Bad._" He said, like he was talking to a dog.

"Yeah, bad boy. In the doghouse." I grabbed another carton and chugged it.

"And _you._" He pointed the newspaper in my face. Am I the only one trying not to crack up at the fact that he had pink hair curlers in? "Hands off the orange juice. It's a kind of obsession for Lestat."

"And I care, _why?_"

Lestat growled. "_Please_ let me bite her-."

"_NO!_" Another swat with the newspaper. This time it knocked him on his butt. "You will _not_ bite her while I am still breathing air!"

"... Louis, there's a bit of an issue with that..."

He did a facepalm. "Damn. You're right."

"So can I bite her now-?"

"_HELL NO!_" I threw the empty carton at him and sat on the counter.

Claudia came in, rubbing her eyes and cursing like a sailor. Both vampires turned to glare at me, and I raised my hands. "Hey, I didn't do anything. I never knew those words." I grabbed a pen from Louis' pocket and began scribbling them down on my hand for later.

"What-? _GIVE ME THAT!_" He snatched it out of my hand.

"_Hey, MANG!_" I shouted, jumping to my feet. Too much Miami Vice.

He pointed the newspaper in my face. "I swear to God, I will not hesitate to beat you all to death with this newspaper."

"Daddy, I'm already dead." Claudia said.

"Yes, I know, sweetheart." He patted her head.

I threw open the doors to the cabinets. "Empty... empty... oh. Yum." I picked up a dead rat by its tail. "Fried rat, anyone?"

Lestat rolled his eyes."Open the last cabinet." He said.

"Yes ma'am." I threw open the cabinet and had a heart attack.

Cookies. My God. There's more of them here than orange juice.

I glanced up at Lestat. "Am I gonna get tackled for the cookies?"

"Help yourself-."

"Don't mind if I do." In an instant, there was an empty pack of Oreos. Oh. My. God.

If I didn't hate these guys, I just might love them.

Stupid gay vampires.


	9. De Lioncourt prison, inmate one speaking

The phone started ringing in the other room. I sprang towards it and picked it up before the others could react. "De Lioncourt prison, inmate one speaking." I said in a monotone.

"_WILLOW!_" Lestat shrieked from the other room.

"Oops, gotta go. The warden is having a hissy fit. Sayonara!" I sprinted away, then tried my luck with the front door. After a few seconds, I kicked it open. I raced outside, glad to have freedom.

What I didn't count on was sunlight. And living with two gay vampires and their demon spawn from hell, I wasn't used to sunlight anymore.

"_SON OF A BATCH OF COOKIES-!_" I screamed, clutching my eyeballs as I dropped to the ground. I felt someone drag me back in and started fighting again. "The hell! Why aren't you burning to a crisp or something?"

"I drank Akasha's blood." Lestat said in a bored voice. "And God Incarnate's. As well as Magnus and Marius. I don't burn; I get a ridiculously awesome tan."

"Fuck you." I muttered through my hands, and he dropped me and grabbed the phone.

"Hello? Hello? Who is this?... _MOM?_ Wha-? What do you mean, 'wrong number'? Look, can you just stay on here for a second and talk to your only son?... What? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm living with Lou and our adopted daughter Claudia, and Lou and I decided to adopt this girl to keep her company. What? What do you mean, 'are we'... _NO!_" The last part broke my eardrums. "For God's sake, Mom! She's a child! She's seventeen!... What do you mean, 'he was only seventeen'? Nick and I are over, Mom! Don't you get it?... And I didn't make Armand, Marius did! Wha...? _MOTHER!_"

"I feel violated." I said as I stared at the ceiling.

"This is why I hate Grandma." Claudia said.

"_MOM!_ I told you! Lou and I do not, as you say, 'have group sexual intercourse'! Especially not with our adopted children! That's _disgusting!_"

"_HE'S LYING!_" I screamed, but Louis kicked me in the ribs. "Oof! _CHILD ABUSE! CHILD ABUSE! Help! CASA!_"

"Children in the room! Children in the room!" Louis shouted, ignoring me as he covered Claudia's ears while she exploded with questions. "Tell your mom thanks a lot for me, Stat. Now I have to explain what an orgy is to our daughter."

"Just... goodbye, mother." He snarled and hung up the phone.

I smiled innocently as they all glared at me. "Who wants cookies? I sure do. _DIBS ON THE ORANGE JUICE!_"

And she's off!


	10. Steaks, Weapon of the Lioncourt Slayer

**To aniw8i: No. I am not. I am a proud Texan, born and raised.**

After three days in the Lioncourt Residence, I _still_ do not have my own room (Most of the spare ones are filled with books, most of them clawed to bits, courtesy of the mysterious 'Uncle Armand'). Which means I am bunking with the kindergartener from hell permanently.

Help.

Actually, Louis and Lestat decided that I needed a day out. Which is why I am walking along with Lestat, who really does get a ridiculously awesome tan.

"Remind me, where are we going?" I asked.

"Louis recommended this makeover shop for young girls. He said that this is what young girls love. Here we are." He guided me towards a shop that was... horribly, horribly pink.

Louis, that bitch.

He told Lestat to take me to Libby Lou's.

"_NO!_" I shrieked. "_NO! I DON'T WANT TO DO IT! I DON'T WANT TO BE A SPARKLING PANSY LIKE THOSE TWATLIGHT CHARACTERS! HELP! CHILD ABUSE!_"

He froze and stared with horror at the shop. "Good idea." He said faintly. "Um... sorry to bother you ladies! We'll just be going now..."

"_DAMN STRAIGHT WE ARE!_" I grabbed his hair and dragged him away.

We walked down the street, his firm hand on my shoulder keeping me from running away. "God, I feel like a prison inmate." I muttered.

"As you so tastefully said to _my mother._" He shot back.

"Hehehe... yeah. That was just classic."

"She didn't think so."

"Yeah, well, from the sounds of it your mom isn't a very pleasant person."

Before he could shoot back, a little old lady grabbed his arm. "I just wanted to say what a cute couple you make." She said with a saucy wink.

My jaw hit the floor.

"You're sure to have such lovely children. You've caught yourself a looker there, dear." She elbowed me. "If I wasn't married, I would go after him myself. You have excellent taste." Great. A cougar lady.

"_He's my FATHER!_" I shrieked at the top of my lungs, a hot red blush creeping over my cheeks. "And we are _not_ going to have lovely children! And if you will excuse me, _I want a Cinnabon!_" With that I stormed away, dragging him behind me and leaving the stunned cougar grandma in our wake.

"I thought I was your adopted arch nemesis." Lestat said with a raised eyebrow and a smug grin.

"Shut it, blondie. The situation called for it." I muttered under my breath. Why did I have to screw up and call him my father in front of him? The prick will never let me live it down now.

.

I looked up with awe. "Louis? You can _cook?_"

"Believe it or not." He responded with a smile. Of course, it was hard to take him seriously with a 'Kiss The Cook' apron with fangs stitched onto the kissy lips, but whatever.

I closed my mouth and shuddered. "Oh my God." I crooned. "Oh _God._ Louis, I am never eating anything else ever again."

"Willow, you're only eating the breadsticks."

"I know. And it's like heaven in breadstick form."

Claudia cleared her throat. "If Willow is done having a mouthgasm-."

"_HEY!_"

"-Then can we get onto the _real_ food, please?"

Louis gave her a stern glare. "Alright, alright. Here." He dropped a chunk of raw meat onto her plate. "Lestat hunted that down today. Don't worry, we drained all the blood from it, so there's nothing in it that can kill you."

"What is it?" I asked, sniffing her plate as she yelped 'Hey!' and held it possessively.

"Oh, it's some Albanian sprinkled with some Mongolian guy-."

"_LEAPING JESUS ON THE CROSS-!_" I fell backwards with a clatter. "_I AM NOT EATING MONGOLIAN PERSON FOR DINNER!_"

"Calm _down!_ I made you fishsticks and some filet mingon."

"Oh. In that case, serve 'em up."

After I ate three helpings of my dinner, (I will admit it, Louis' food _is_ worthy of a mouthgasm) I stood up dramatically. "Well, I'm gonna go and read. Night."

"Goodnight, Willow." Louis said from where he was primly cutting up his Albanian girl.

" 'Nigh', Wi'ow." Claudia said through a mouthful of Mongolian.

I hid in the refrigerator, waiting for Lestat to get home. Lo and behold, he strode in seconds later. "Sorry I'm late." He said silkily. "I was... out catching my breakfast."

"Lestat, you knew very well that I was cooking tonight."

"Yes, I did."

"Then why-?"

"The last time you served me Mongolian and Albanian, you accidentally left some blood in it and nearly killed me. I am not willing to take that risk again."

"Alright, alright, point taken."

"_SIT YOUR BUM ASS DOWN AND EAT DADDY'S FOOD!_" Claudia shouted, and I covered my mouth to hide my laughter. I was... surprisingly proud of her.

I turned in the cramped space, then grabbed the package I came into contact with. I pulled out its contents, then paused. Wait for it... wait for it...

I burst out, steaks in hand. "_LONDON STRIP!_" I screamed, then started to throw. One steak nailed Lestat in the face, and Claudia screamed and ducked as one flew overhead.

She popped back up. "Ha! You missed-! _AGH!_" The next steak hit her, and Louis was in short order.

"Ha! Nailed them all!" I did a victory dance on the counted. "Oo-hoo! Uh-huh! Buffy ain't got nuthin' on me, baby! _I AM THE LIONCOURT SLAYER!_"

Lestat ripped the steak off, his eyes burning with rage. "_WILLOW DE LIONCOURT!_" He shouted at the top of his lungs, veins in his neck and forehead popping out.

_Oops. Time to run like hell._

.

They actually found the joke funny. Steaks, you see. Steaks? Stakes? Geddit? It's a pun. No?

... Comedy is dead.

Anyway, we were chilling around, and I was _actually reading_ when the phone rang. "I'll get it!" I shouted, then picked up the phone with my foot. I tossed it to my hand, then nestled it between my head and shoulder as I continued to read some guy named Nicholas' diary. Ooh-hoo, _juicy!_ I never knew you had _feelings_ for him, Nick... but too bad, Louis has dibs on him. So there.

"Hello, de Lioncourt residence. Willow speaking." I said in a bored voice.

"Willow!" A woman said at the other end. I tensed, and the book dropped to the floor. "Willow, dear, it's your mother!"

I threw the phone down. "_DON'T EVER CALL HERE AGAIN!_" I screamed before I ripped the plug from the socket.


	11. The Notebook brings INSPIRATION!

**To aniw8i: I didn't take any offense! I'm just very proud of my heritage.  
><strong>

Why no, whatever gave you the impression that I was insecure?

That phone call, dear children, was called _foreshadowing._ I think. Lady Life is a bitch and won't tell me anything, won't return my calls, and won't even accept me as a Facebook friend. But anyway.

I raised my eyebrows at the movie. "'The_ Notebook'_?" I asked. "Seriously?"

Louis shuffled. "Lestat picked it." He said.

"Yes I did." He smirked. "Besides, I could use a little..._ inspiration..._" He cast a _LOOK_ at Louis.

"Lestat! Children present!" he cried with a blush and a slight giggle. Ugh. I'm sleeping in the library on the other side of the house tonight.

I sighed and did a facepalm, then glanced up when someone opened the door and showed themselves in. "Who is-? What's with the kid?" I asked.

The red-headed kid about my age raised an eyebrow at me. "I should be asking the same of _you._" He said with a very faint accent.

"Armand, this is our daughter, Willow." Lestat said.

"Daughter? A mortal girl?" 'Armand' began walking in circled around me with a sharp gleam in his eyes. So this is 'Uncle Armand'. Eunuch.

"Yeah, a mortal girl." I snapped. "Problem?"

"Oh no, none at all." He cast a glance at 'Mom and Dad'.

"Armand, leave her alone." Lestat said. "Willow, this is our... _friend_, Armand."

"Mm-hm. Friend. You used to bang him, didn't you?"

Whaddaya know? Vampires can blush. All three of 'em.

"Just don't go and have any orgies on me." I said as I turned to go. But of course I was forced – yes, forced – to watch '_The Notebook_' with them. Lestat was just chilling in his love seat which could fit three people, but no one dared invade his personal bubble. Except for Armand, who was hanging from the back with a bored look on his face. Emo and I were stuck with the couch. We had forced Claudia to go to bed, since they didn't want her seeing sex scenes at six... hundred... whatever.

"What happened with the phone earlier?" He asked me in an undertone as Sex Scene Number One rolled around, avoiding Lestat's purposeful looks.

I winced and shifted. "Nothing." I said nonchalantly. Just a phone call from someone I don't really like-."

"I picked up the phone the same time you did. I heard her say she was your mother-."

"She's the little slut who started this whole mess. Guess they finally hooked up." I stuck my tongue out. God bless American hookers. (WARNING – THIS SENTENCE CONTAINS HIGH SARCASM)

He shrugged. "If you say so." We fell silent. The movie was pretty good, but not my type. I don't like romance movies. I'd take Kill Bill any day over this. And if I see Lestat shoot one more 'I'm-going-to-do-this-to-you-times-three-tonight' look at Louis, then I will scream. Loudly.

Let's see CASA ignore _that._

.

**-Louis-**

About halfway through the third _SCENE_, Willow fell asleep.

Normally that wouldn't be a big deal, but when you have a seventeen-year-old orphan you've adopted as your daughter who hates your undead guts leaning against you with a surprisingly angelic expression... it's a big deal.

"Aww..."

I spun around. "Claudia!" I hissed angrily.

"I'm sorry! I just wanted to see where Willow was!"

"Go to bed. Now."

The movie finally ended, and Lestat and Armand looked up with surprise. "She fell asleep?" Lestat asked.

"Yes, obviously."

"She's somewhat cute when she's asleep..." Armand glanced up hopefully. "Can we-?"

"No. You two will turn her when I am lying in my grave and Memnoch goes up to pay God a visit."

"Alright, you've made your point. But _you're_ carrying her upstairs. I don't want her to wake up and rip my head off."

I rolled my eyes. "Very mature, Lestat." I said. "Goodnight, Armand. I trust you can find the door on your own?"

"But of course. Have fun, you two." With that, he turned and showed himself out the door.

He smirked. "I'll see you later." He said, then turned and went upstairs.

I sighed. "Willow, if you wake up, this is Lestat's fault." I said as I slung her over my shoulder. "I didn't even _want_ to see the movie. I wanted to get the first season of '_Mythbusters'_ and see all the explosions. But no, we had to get something with a sex scene in it..." I shook my head. I laid her down on her couch. "Goodnight, Willow." I kissed Claudia's forehead. "Goodnight, Claudia." I turned and left the room.


	12. A Debating Matter of Narration

** I swear on Willow's head that this'll be the shortest chapter. I just feel like I need to upload SOMEthing.  
><strong>

**-Willow-**

Well, seeing as Emo was kind enough to give me back my narration, let's continue.

After I _did not_ fall asleep-,

**-Louis-**

She's lying.

**-Willow-**

WILL YOU STOP THAT?

**-Louis-**

Never. And just think, it's better than Lestat narrating.

**-Lestat-**

Why,_ hello, _everybody.

**-Willow-**

You hear that smacking sound? That's me facepalming. Repeatedly.

You know, this used to be a private narration. What happened to that?

**-Lestat-**

_ IT DIED. _

**-Willow-**

What the hell...

**-Armand-**

Did somebody say Armand?

**-Louis-**

Damn. It's you.

**-Armand-**

Yes, it's me. And I brought Marius!

**-Marius-**

Morning.

**-Willow-**

Ah, so this is the famous pedophile?

**-Louis-**

Hey. We don't use the P-word in this household.

**-Willow-**

Yes, _Mom._

**-Claudia-**

Why am I being left out of this?

**-Armand-**

Go play with your dolls, Claudia.

**-Claudia-**

_DADDY! _Uncle Armand's being mean to me!

**-Willow-**

Why me? How? How do they _find _me?

**-Louis-**

Believe me, Willow, I've been asking myself the same question for God knows how long.

**-Lestat-**

That's easy. GPS.

**-Willow-**

I hate you all.


	13. That's Not Wine!

**-Armand-**

What is the _point_ in adopting a mortal? She will only grow old and die. Sometimes I have absolutely no idea how my friends' minds work.

I reached beside me, then paused. My glass was gone. I looked around, then remembered that I had left it in the kitchen. I frowned, then started walking quickly towards the kitchen. The pace grew to an all-out sprint as I heard shouting.

.

**-Willow-**

Well. I have escaped to my room, so as to continue this narration in peace. Where was I?

Oh, yes. Post-notebook chaos.

The day after was long, and hard. A tickle fight broke out, and Claudia and I went on a tackling spree. What fun.

I needed a drink.

I strode into the kitchen, hoping to find alcohol. Yeah, Karen got me hooked on wine at the orphanage. Her dad used to be a wine critic, so she knows what she's talking about when she criticizes wine. As I walked in, I spotted a half-drained glass of wine on the counter. I lifted it to my lips and took a drink. It was surprisingly good. Warm and thick. Not like the wine Karen made me drink, but good. It was a bit salty too, which was weird. I lifted it up to take another drink. Or, I would have, if Lestat and Louis hadn't burst in through the double doors with panicky expressions.

"_THAT'S NOT WINE!"_

Lestat tackled me, knocking the glass to the floor in an explosion of wine and glass.

I sprang back up, looking at the wine mournfully. "What the hell was that for?" I snarled. "Am I just not allowed to drink alcohol in his house? You're worse than Tricia!"

"Willow, that wasn't wine," said Louis with a slight look of horrified amusement. "That was _human blood._"

I could feel myself turn white.

Armand and Claudia ran in from opposite ends of the room, Armand shouting all the way. There goes the neighborhood. "What happened? Is Lou alright?" he demanded, looking around the room.

It figures he would ask about Louis first. Lestat glared daggers at him. Completely ignoring him, Armand turned to me.

"Are you alright?" He asked, looking me up and down. "What happened?"

"Oh, noting, weally." I said as I scraped my tongue with a spoon and spat into the sink. That's why I saw speaking weird, just FYI. "I just consumed about a cup of human blood."

He spun around, glaring at Louis. "You turned her without me?" he snarled, baring his teeth.

"_NO!_" Louis cried indignantly. "Why would you even _think_ that?"

"Because I'm a sadistic, seventeen year old vampire?" He said, raising an eyebrow.

"He has a powint, Lowie." I said through the spoon.

Lestat shook his head and whacked my back, causing me to retch and shoot the spoon across the room. Eurgh. "Why did you leave that out, Armand?" He snapped.

"_Me?_ Oh, of course, it's all Amadeo's fault."

"Exactly." I rasped, pointing at me.

Claudia walked up to me with a huge carton of orange juice in her hands "Drink this." She told me.

"Don't mind if I do." I grabbed the juice and started chugging while the 'adults' were still arguing. I looked around, then beckoned Claudia closer. "Is it wrong that the blood was really, _really_ good?" I murmured under my breath.

She grinned animalisticly. Eep. Scary six-year-old. "Of course not. If you get turned, you can have some every night, if you want."

I laughed. "I'm not gonna be turned anytime soon, kiddo." I said, ruffling her hair and causing her to snarl at me before flashing a small smile.

What the hell... did she just smile at me?

Creepy.


	14. Louis is a mommy?

**-Claudia-**

"Willow," I said slowly, cautiously walking into our bedroom. "What are you doing?"

"I." Whack. "Am." Whack. "Trying." Whack. "To." Whack. "Beat." Whack. "My." Whack. "Brains." Whack. "Out." Whack.

I sighed. "And _why_ are you trying to beat your brains out, _with my favorite book?_" I grabbed the book from her hands and held it close to me. She ignored that fact and began beating her head on the wall.

"I." Whack. "Just." Whack. "Walked." Whack. "In." Whack. "On." Whack. "Emo." Whack. "And." Whack. "Blondewad." Whack. "Getting." Whack. "It." Whack. "On."

I sighed again. "I've lived with them for centuries. You get used to it, I promise."

"Well guess what, Oompa-Loompa! I'm not used to it!"

"Don't call me Oompa-Loompa!" I shouted.

"Too bad, Munchkin. Would you rather I call you Frodo?"

"No!"

"Okay then, Frodo."

I ground my teeth before turning and racing out of the room. "Daddy!" I screamed, running to Louis' room. I threw open the door. "Daddy, Willow is being mean-!" I shrieked with terror at what I saw.

"Close the door!" Lestat roared, and I slammed the door shut, leaning against it with my back and breathing heavily. My God. My God. _My. God._

There was a soft knock on the door. "Claudia? Open the door." I cracked it open. "By your face, I can only assume you saw Lestat's junk. And I am deeply, _deeply_ sorry."

"I'm not!" Lestat shouted.

"Yes, you are!" I ignored him. "Just... Claudia, let me explain-!"

"No! I understand perfectly!... I'm going to have a baby brother!" I threw my arms around his neck. I always wanted a brother!

"... What have you been _teaching_ her?" Willow asked from behind me. "And admit it, Munchkin. You walked right into that."

"I..." Louis said in a confused voice."Um... Lestat... explain?"

"Why?" He asked, leaning back with a grin. "And lose finding out who the mommy is?"

"Is it you, Louis?" I ducked to put my ear to his stomach. "Is he in there? Can I hear him?"

"Claudia!" He grabbed me from under my arms and lifted me up. Willow was leaning against the door frame, hysterical, and Lestat was hiding his face in a pillow while his shoulders shook.

"Come on." I felt Willow grab me from behind. "You guys... resume... your thing." She gave them a disgusted look and walked out.

"We're having a baby brother!" I cried, hugging her neck tightly as she stiffened. "Isn't that great?"

"Oh, Claudia." She laughed, then set me down, took my hand and dragged me into one of the libraries. "Come on. It's time for Willow's School of the Birds and the Bees."

.

**-Lestat-**

"Come on, _Mommy._" I teased lightly. "Let's go find the girls."

"I'm not about to forgive you for that." Louis said coldly.

"I would think that you would be used to it."

"I would think the same. I'm not." He looked down the hallway. "You go that way, I'll go this way."

"You don't think Willow ran away, do you?"

"I don't think Claudia would let her." With that he walked down the hallway.

I did the same, looking in every room. Armand had left long ago, but he had left my books in a state of chaos. My poor books... I picked one up, gently dusted it off and put it back on its shelf. If Louis wasn't so attached to him, Amadeo would have been dead long before now.

"Lestat." I turned and raised an eyebrow at Louis. He smiled slightly. "You _have_ to see this." I shrugged and followed him down the hall, then grinned when I saw what he was talking about. Claudia was curled up in Willow's lap, holding a large book in her own lap. Both of them were sound asleep, Willow's arms slightly wrapped around her, as if to protect her from any evil. I laughed and shook my head. And Willow says that she hates Claudia 'with gusto'. Just wait until I take a picture and show it to her.


	15. Claudia Has Leukemia? Who knew!

**-Louis-**

After Willow and I forced Lestat to destroy the photo of her and Claudia, she locked herself in one of the multiple libraries and refused to come out for hours. That's why I was completely caught by surprise when I felt her hand on my shoulder.

"Lou? Can I ask you something?" She asked.

"You already did."

"Har har. Look." She put a book in front of me and pointed to a page from behind me. "Now, what in the Sam Hill is Talamasca and why did this Jesse person have an unholy obsession with Lestat? On second thought, just answer the first one, I don't want to know about his affair with his biggest fangirl."

_Neither do I, Willow, and yet thanks to people like you, I always do._ "What is-?"

"This girl's diary. I guess that Maharet character nabbed it when she wasn't looking. Now, what is it?"

I sighed and shook my head. There was no use in trying to beat around the bush. "The Talamasca is a society of... kind of physic detectives. They keep an eye on the supernatural."

"You guys." She put her chin on my shoulder as she stared at the book.

"Yes. They usually never interfere, but lately... lately there have been rouges who have gone public with their belief that..."

She pointed at a sentence. " '_They believe that all vampires should be killed. I fear this, as a vampire myself, but others have more to fear than I.' _" She looked up. "They're slaying vampires."

"Yes. They've killed dozens already. That's why you need to be careful when you and Lestat go out. They won't suspect him at first, since he's in the sunlight, and I forced him to stop his rockstar lifestyle, but sooner or later they'll catch on."

She slowly nodded. "You know, I saw a sweet AK-47 in the other room. I can take care of it-."

"There are too many. And you shouldn't kill without need."

"Of course you would say that. You're Louis. Emo kid extraordinaire. The Emo Princess and the Brat Prince. Nice couple."

"Willow, go to your room."

"Yes, mother." She rolled her eyes and walked away.

.

**-Claudia-**

"You're sure this is a good idea?" I whispered.

"Positive." Willow whispered, then crouched down. "Here. Climb on my back. We're climbing over the fence."

I nodded and wrapped my arms around her neck, trying to ignore her pulse. I knew that the logical thing to do would be to turn her, but Louis said no, and even though I told myself I didn't, I agreed with him. I didn't want her to be stuck like me. Always a six-year-old child, never seeing sunlight... Even though I hated her, I didn't want it for her.

"Hold on tight." She whispered, then stood up. I held on tighter, and she put one leg on either side of her. She started scaling the tall fence, cold determination on her face. When we were at the top, we looked at the twenty foot drop down.

"What now, genius?" I hissed.

"Hold on." With that she jumped.

I admit it. I screamed. When we hit the ground, the jolt stopped my scream, and I clung to her with fright long after we had landed. "Here." She peeled off her leather jacket and draped it over my shoulders. "It's cold tonight."

"Willow, I'm a vampire. I don't feel the cold."

"You do now. Besides, it's the right thing to do." She took my hand and we started to walk down the street. We looked rather odd; an almost-eighteen-year-old girl in blue sweats and a tank top and a pale six-year-old in a white nightgown and a leather jacket wandering around at near midnight. But then, we were rather odd.

"Willow! Willow!" I cried, jumping up and down ad pointing. "Can we go there? Please?"

She grinned and nodded. "As long as we unleash hell, I'm good." She picked me up, looked across the street, then trotted over to where a man was preparing to close a bookshop. "Excuse me, sir?" She said.

He looked up. "We're closed, miss." He said with a smile.

"Please, sir." She worked a heartbroken look on her face. "My sister here has been diagnosed with terminal leukemia. I'm helping her do everything she ever wants to do, since our parents died of leukemia too." I could see the man melting like putty in her hands. "Please, sir. We promise we won't steal anything. We just want to look around. You can even lock us in."

He looked at me with sympathy, and I coughed and tried to act sickly. "Very well." He said, patting my cheek. "And here, wait for a few minutes and I'll be back. My wife just made fudge, and it's just out of the oven. How would you like that, dear?"

I smiled. "Thank you, sir." I said, and he let us in before walking off.

"Yes!" Willow hissed. "I can't believe I pulled that off!"

"I can't believe he _bought_ that!" I laughed.

"And we get free fudge too! Bonus!" She grinned at me. "I need to take you with me more often." She set me down, and I raced over and picked up one of the books and began reading.

When the man walked back in, he gave me an odd look. "Why is she reading the Old English version of '_Beowulf'?_" He murmured to Willow.

She smiled tiredly. "She has a very high IQ. Quite genius, really. Thank you." He waved her off, then kissed my forehead before he left, locking the door behind him.

"Willow!" I beckoned her over and handed her a book. "Read that. You'll love it."

She blinked and stared at the title. " '_How To Be A Teen Vampire'..._"

"I told you."

She shrugged. "Worth a shot."

.

**-Third Person-**

The man watched through his binoculars as the target and a girl he assumed to be her sister ran through a darkened bookstore, holding up books and laughing and occasionally trying to throttle each other. The sight of the young girl made him sick. She was a killer. And yet, it couldn't be her fault... maybe he could hunt down her maker and destroy him as well. But he had his orders;_ 'Search and destroy'._

_With the girl, it could get difficult._ He thought as he saw the older girl pick up the younger by the waist while the two laughed. The younger flashed her fangs openly, showing the world who and what she was. But no one saw; they were alone in the store.

His radio crackled with static. "_Base to Unit One. Come in, Unit One, over._"

He picked it up. "This is Unit One, over."

"_Unit One, your watch is over. Reinforcements are being sent to relieve you. Report to Base. Over and out._"

He glanced at the girls one more time before standing up. He was a slayer. It was his job to hunt down this abomination. But not tonight. Tonight he had a wife waiting, and a promising day ahead...


	16. I get my revenge on CASA

**-Third Person-**

It was the seventh day of surveillance. Every night the girls had slipped out of their house and acted as if they were normal. Of course, the leech had to feed, but the older always looked away and pretended not to notice. He smiled and stroked his arsenal by his side. A vile of blood taken from a dead cow, a crossbow, and a new invention. Many people had seen a film with the weapon, and the film inspired it. Scientists called it liquid sunlight. One drop of it, and there would be nothing of the vampire left to find.

Why were they keeping the little leech alive? It was long overdue. But the only thing he feared was his superior; he was not about to defy his employer.

And so he watched. And he waited.

.

**-Willow-**

"Ready?" Claudia asked.

"Hell yes."

"On three."

"One..."

"Two..."

"Three."

We both took a deep breath, then shrieked at the top of our lungs. "_RAAAPE!_" I screamed. Cruel? Yes I am.

The desired effect took place immediately. I heard a screech of something in French, and footsteps frantically racing towards us. Louis burst into the room and immediately tightly cradled Claudia in his arms, much to her irritation. "Where is he?" He roared with rage, looking around wildly. "Where-!"

"False alarm." I said with an innocent smile.

His face twisted. "Why, you little..." He growled.

"Gotta go!" I grabbed Claudia's hand and jumped through the widow, landing in a nice, soft... rose bush. Actually, I landed in the bush. Claudia landed on top of me. She laughed at me as I struggled out, murmuring curses under my breath. We looked back as Lestat leaned out the window and shouted in French, motioning to the house with rage on every single cell of his face.

"Uh-oh." Claudia said, frozen stiff. "Now he's pissed."

"You have a plan?" I asked, in a mirror position, except a few feet taller.

"Yeah. Run!"

I immediately put her on my back again as we raced through the front gate as it slid shut, then set her down. "Yes!" We high-fived.

"Where are we going tonight?" She asked, shrugging on my jacket again and taking my hand.

"CASA." I said firmly.

She blinked. "What?"

"You heard me, CASA. I have a complaint to make."

I marched her through the streets until we found the main CASA office, which was still open. I paraded in and slammed my hands down on the front desk, causing everyone in the room to jump. "Your organization is a hollow shell of empty promises!" I shouted. "How many times have I screamed for you guys? A zillion! How many times have you showed up? Zip!" I then slapped the man behind the desk. "I said good day, sir!" I turned on my heel and paraded out, leaving everyone shell-shocked.

"Willow?" Claudia said.

"What?"

"... I didn't know you had balls."

I laughed and picked her up again, putting her on my hip. I really despised her sometimes, but other times, the kid was a scream.

.

**-Karen-**

At the orphanage, life without Willow was kind of boring. We were friends. Not best friends, but good friends. I had helped her break out of at least a dozen bad foster homes, and I thought that she might like the new one. After all, living with a _really_ hot guy and his _equally_ hot boyfriend doesn't seem like a bad thing, even if she insists that they're vampires.

My new roommate opened the door. "Karen, letter for you." She said. I grabbed it and groaned as soon as I saw Willow's handwriting. I tore it open and gasped. It was dated from more than a week ago.

"_Karen-_

_I can't take this. The guys have a demon kindergartener from hell who wants me to die! I can't take it! Here's the address I'm at, come and get me ASAP._

_Willow."_

I sighed and stared at it, then leaned back. I'd sneak out tomorrow night and smuggle her back into the orphanage. After all, we were friends. This was what friends did, right?


	17. The Worst Recorded Birthday Of All Time

**-Karen-**

Sneaking out wasn't so hard. It was the fact that running away would scare off the new adoptive family that was considering me. It was just like my old family before the fire; a mother, a father, two little boys. But I didn't care, or I told myself I didn't. Willow was my friend, and even if she was certifiably insane, I had to help her.

"Excuse me!" I said, running up to an old man. "Could-could you tell me where the Lioncourt mansion is?"

He pointed down the road. "You go straight down that road about twenty miles. Why?"

"Because I need to help someone there."

"Well, are you intending to walk there, girl? Come on, I'll give you a ride!"

I grinned. "Thank you." I said, discreetly wrapping my fingers around the firearm I had stolen from the sleeping guard.

What? Just because I'm not as radical as Willow, it doesn't mean I was born yesterday.

.

**-Claudia-**

"Willow, it's my turn to chose." I said.

She rolled her eyes. "Of course. Where to tonight?"

"Let's go to the next town over!"

She rolled her eyes again. "Okay. _TAXI!_"

"Willow. The streets are abandoned."

"I know that, I've just always wanted to scream that in a New York accent." She pointed. "There."

She was pointing to a couple parked in a secluded glade surrounded by – coincidentally – _willow_ trees. She took my hand as we creeped up, then grabbed the writhing teens and threw them to the ground. The girl screamed as the boy shouted something, both of them moving to cover themselves. "Sorry kid, we need your car!" She shouted, then grabbed his pants, took the keys and threw them to him. "Claudia, give the nice horny teenagers their clothing."

I gave her a _look_.

"Claudia de Lioncourt, what have I taught you?"

"Only kill pimps, druggies and hookers. Like I'm gonna stick to that."

"Just get in the car." I slipped into the seat next to her as she slammed on the gas and took off down the road. She pressed the radio, and 'Sympathy for the Devil' blasted out."Oh hell yeah!" She laughed, turning it up. "This is my _song!_"

We drove into the next town, and I pointed. "There!" I said, then turned to her. "You wait here. And when I tell you, don't open your eyes!"

"If you bring some drugged hooker into the car again, I will hurt you."

"Okay, okay." I jumped out and walked purposefully into the shop, where an old man was making porcelain dolls. I smiled as I pushed open the door.

By the time I was done, I had a beautiful new doll and I was dragging the drugged dollmaker behind me. "Close your eyes, Willow!" I called, and she grumbled before she shut them. I threw the dollmaker into the backseat and gingerly set the doll down before covering it up."Don't open your eyes until I tell you." I said before walking off.

Before I was done I had a large cake with 'Willow' written on it in my handwriting (I had to kill the baker before she could... such a shame) a bunch of balloons and a few kennels with a white poodle, a tabby cat and a bird in them. I hid them all in the backseat before sitting up front. "Take us home." I said.

She opened her eyes and looked in the backseat before sighing. All she saw was the dollmaker. She shook her head with resignation before starting the car and driving off. "Oh, Willow." I said, hugging her waist. "Happy birthday."

She stiffened slightly, then patted my head with a smile. "Thanks, Frodo. I thought everyone had forgotten."

"I didn't." I said, ignoring her nickname for me. I hated it, but it was her birthday. If she wanted to call me Frodo, just this once, she could. But after this, I _will_ kill her.

"Well, thanks."

We pulled into the driveway at the house just as Louis and Lestat raced out the door. "Where did you go-! Nice _car..._" Lestat looked over it admiringly.

"We got it from a couple of horny teenagers over yonder." She pointed behind her before jumping out and lifting me up. "Claudia has some cargo in the back."

I ran up and hugged Louis. "Willow has a birthday surprise in the back." I whispered. "Take her in and don't let her see!"

He nodded before petting my hair and motioning for Willow to come in.

.

**-Willow-**

"Seriously, guys? What's with the blindfold?"

"Oh, quiet, Willow." Claudia said. She had me by the hand and was dragging me through the house. If they turn me, I will go all Madea on their immortal asses. Mark my words.

"Alright, here we are." Louis said. "Here, take off the blindfold."

Claudia jumped on me and ripped off the blindfold before nestling into my shoulder. "Happy birthday!"

I blinked, then screamed and jumped on the giant bed that was in the place of my couch. "Oh my God!" I squealed, rolling around. God. It was _so soft!_ I jumped with surprise as a cat jumped onto the bed, then mewled and nudged under my arm, curling up into a purring ball. A parakeet flew overhead before landing on the headboard of the bed. "What the-? Hold hand grenade, that's a big cake!" My eyes widened as I spotted the huge cake that Claudia was holding. It had 'Willow' written on it in careful handwriting.

Louis smiled and put a hand on Claudia's shoulder. "This was all Claudia's idea." He said.

I grinned. "Claudia, get your vampire ass up here." She set the cake down before leaping onto the bed. I laughed and hugged her, ruffling her hair.

"Oh, Louis, I have a present for you." She said innocently, then whistled. A white toy poodle yipped and shot out from under the bed. He went as stiff as a board with wide eyes as Lestat hooted with laughter.

"Claudia, you're grounded." He said.

"Only for an instant, starting now!" Lestat gasped.

We all turned as there was a tap on my window. I stiffened at the face, then screamed when Lestat flew forward and grabbed her, dragging her inside and preparing to bite her."No, stop!" I shouted. "That's Karen, she's from the orphanage!"

He froze as Karen whimpered with fear. "What?" He asked.

"I-I've come for Willow." She simpered, then held up a wrinkled note. I gasped when I saw it. I had written it on my first night in the house.

Claudia grabbed it, then read it. Confusion began mounting on her face, then she turned to me. "Willow?" She said quietly.

"Claudia, let me explain-."

"No!" She screamed, jumping to her feet. Tears began welling in her eyes. "I can tell you don't want to be here! You said it yourself! So just go!"

"Claudia-!"

"No, I don't care what you're going to lie about this time! I thought...I thought we were friends! I thought we were _sisters!_ Just go! _I HATE YOU!_" She ran out of the room.

"Claudia!" Louis shouted, starting to run after her before picking up the note. He read it himself, then looked up with a blank expression. I shrank back on my bed. He had never looked like that before. "Alright then." He said quietly. "If you honestly wish to leave, then Lestat and I will help you to the door."

"Not you too, Louis..." I murmured.

"Willow, this says it all." He dropped the note on the floor before he stiffly walked out. Lestat stared at me with a mixed expression on his face before he followed Louis. I curled up into a ball and hid my face in my knees.

"Willow?" Karen said quietly.

"Let's go." I said stonily.

.

**-Louis-**

I don't understand it. I thought Willow was happy here. She and Claudia were like sisters, and she was becoming another daughter to me. Even Lestat was attached to her, that much I could tell.

Lestat slowly came into our room before sitting next to me. He was silent for a long minute, then spoke so softly I almost didn't hear it;

"Claudia's gone."


	18. And YOU, sir, are a HEY KIDS!

ht tp : / www . youtube . com/watc h?v=icB-jCtkQ3E

**I wonder what spawned the above argument... could it be... LOUIS?**

**.  
><strong>

**-Third Person-**

"The older girl's run off." He said into his radio. "Now the vampire is on her own. She has been for two days now. Proceed?"

"Unit One, you may proceed, once we send you backup. Do you copy?"

He ground his teeth with irritation. "Copy that, over."

"Good. Reinforcements are on their way. Over and out."

He set his radio down as he watched the small vampire girl run through the streets on her own. She ran into a small park, and when she thought she was alone, she curled up and cried. He thought for an instant of his daughter, then pushed the thought away. His daughter wasn't a demon.

He turned as someone touched his shoulder. Three other Slayers. His reinforcements had arrived. One of them – the new man ranked higher than him – motioned for him to wait. They would kill the leech when she was in an alleyway or something.

.

**-Willow-**

I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom. I had been there for two nights now. I would think that I was happy to be back in the orphanage, but instead I had tears running down my face. I kept on seeing their faces; Louis' stony one, Lestat's expression of disgust, surprise and hurt, and Claudia's enraged one. Her screams kept on ricocheting through my head; "_I HATE YOU!_" I didn't know why it hurt so much, but it did. It made me feel like a pile of crap.

_I don't care._ I told myself. _It's not like we were family or anything..._

_... You lying bitch._

_Don't talk about yourself that way..._

_Look, if you really love them, get your ass up and go tell them so!_

_Finally, we agree._

_Yep. This is Doctor Phil, signing off._

_Hey!_

_Oh, and my man-slaves Tobuscus and Ray William Johnson. Bye._

_What the...?_ I shook my head and stood up. I opened my window and jumped out. In this area of town, I really could hail a taxi, so within a few minutes I was jumping into the back of a taxi. "Lioncourt mansion. Get me there in under half an hour and this hundred is yours." I waved the bill in the air.

He nodded and started to drive off. I shifted anxiously. I knew that to get there I would have to pass by my old house, but I didn't care. I felt like something bad was going to happen, and soon.

The cabbie stopped at the edge of town. "This is as far as I go." He said. "Pay up, girlie."

I ground my teeth with irritation. "Alright, alright!" I threw him the hundred and got out. I rubbed my arms and shivered as my shoes clicked on the cold pavement. Are the Dementors in town or something? A cemetery is more cheerful than this place. I wondered what was going to happen... would they understand?

Suddenly, something rang through the night. A little girl's scream.

Claudia.

I sprinted down the street toward the screams. I skidded to a stop in front of an alleyway. Claudia was curled up on the ground, screaming and covering her head with her arms. Four men were standing around her; two were prying her apart, one was holding a wooden stake (Just to make sure she was dead, I guessed), and the other was taking out a gun with a see-through magazine. The bullets were shining like someone had taken sunlight and trapped it in there. Underworld rip-off, anyone? Selene, I could sure use your undead ass right now.

"_CLAUDIA!"_ I screamed, then lunged forward.

.

**-Claudia-**

I couldn't move. I could kill them. They had done something to me, so I couldn't do anything. The bullets stung me, made me scream, and they hadn't even shot me yet. I didn't want to die!

"Night-night, shit-sucker!" One of them hissed, lifting up the pistol with his friends. I curled into a tighter ball-.

"_CLAUDIA!_"

"Willow?" I whispered hoarsely, then she jumped through the air, landing squarely on one of the men's shoulders. She grabbed his hair and bashed his head against the wall as hard as she could. The scent of blood filled the air. "Claudia, _RUN!_" She screamed. Two of the remaining men grabbed her arms and dragged her down as she screamed and fought. What was she doing there? I thought she hated it with me.

"What are you _doing?_" The man who wasn't holding her down demanded. "That's an undead shit-sucking _vampire!_"

"She's also my sister!" She screamed wildly, still thrashing back and forth. "And _you_ are an _asshole!_" She kicked him in the chest so hard I heard the ribs crack. She wrenched out of the other two's grip, then picked up the stake and threw it at its owner's chest. He screamed and fell to the floor, writhing. She and the last man stood staring at each other, then they both spotted the gun lying between them. They lunged for it at once, but Willow grabbed it, and with a loud bang, he was still.

I felt her hands on my back. "Claudia." She whispered. "Claudia, it's me. It's Willow. You're alright, you're safe now." She drew me into her lap, holding me close and rocking back and forth, whispering comfortingly.

"I... I..."

"I know. I know. It was a mistake. Come on." She stood up and wrapped her jacket around me. "We're going home."

"I thought you hated home."

She laughed quietly. "I thought I did too."

.

**-Louis-**

The instant I heard a scream in the streets, I had a feeling something was wrong. Lestat was complaining behind me like the little man-whore bitch he is as I paced anxiously, wondering where Claudia was. There were more shouts, and incomprehensible screams, and I finally decided to go and look for myself what was going on.

Halfway down the stairs, someone banged on the door. "Emo! Blondewad!" A familiar, muffled voice shouted. "Open the damn door, Claudia's hurt!"

"Claudia." I whispered, then jumped over the banister and sprinted to the door.

I threw it open and found Willow standing with Claudia in her arms, Claudia crying softly and clinging to her. "The Talamascans." Willow explained before I could ask. She looked awful. Wait... was that _blood?_ "I... I was coming back, and I heard her screaming. They had her cornered. I did all I could." She cleared her throat and suddenly found the paintings in the hallway very interesting. "I... I'm sorry for the letter. It was from a long time ago. I was still convinced that all of you were gay blood-sucking vampires from hell."

I slightly smirked. "Willow, we _are_ 'gay blood-sucking vampires from hell'."

"Well yeah, but in a good, endearing way." She sighed. "Look, this is the only apology you're gonna get, so is it accepted or not? Hurry up, I'm freezing my ass off out here." She jogged slightly in place.

Claudia glared at me from inside Willow's jacket, which was wrapped around her like a blanket. "Daddy, if you don't forgive her, I'll hate you forever and burn down the house before going to live with Willow and that Brad Pitt guy in Rio. And I'll get a tattoo. Of Paul."

_You are so grounded._

_Willow must be so proud of you._

I smiled and put a hand on Willow's shoulder, guiding her inside. "You still have to apologize to Lestat." I said.

"Yeh, yeh. Claudia, now. Blondewad later." She gently pried Claudia off of her and handed her to me. "And by the way, if you ate my cake, I will kill all of you very slowly and painfully."

I grinned. "We love you too, Willow."


	19. The Latest Update Of All Time

**I AM SO SORRY. *insert excuse here***

**And by the way... we are now debuting WILLOW'S FACEBOOK PAGE! Just remove the spaces... ht tp: / www . facebook . com/profile .php?id =100003 064658 844**

**.  
><strong>

**-Willow-**

And how, exactly, do I manage my apology to Blondewad?

Why, I sit on his coffin.

After awhile, there were some feeble struggling noises from inside, then some slight curses. Then came the all-out banging. "_ARMAND!_" He screamed with rage.

"Guess again!" I said cheerfully, then screamed as his hand shot through the wood. I flew across the room as he threw the lid off, scowling and tearing the wood apart.

He sat up, then seemed to realize who I was. "Willow." He said coldly.

"Shut up, Blondie. I came to say sorry. Best you're gonna get." I shifted to get to my feet. "And by the way, I want my cake back."

"Where it's gone, it ain't coming back." He said with a lazy smile, leaning back in his coffin.

"... You bastard."

"Thanks very much. Now get in bed, it's almost daytime."

"I suppose you don't care that Claudia was almost _killed_ by vampire slayers?"

"As long as she's still fine."

I shook my head. "And you call yourself an extremely capable guardian."

"You may go now. And send Louis up on your way down."

... That rape face just scarred me for life. Thank God they moved upstairs a few levels...

.

Okay. I'm glad they left me be, but suddenly disappearing for a week and leaving me and Claudia alone in the same house is a bad idea. Because as much as I love the kid, a week is a _bit too long_.

I threw open the door and scowled as both Emo and Blondewad nodded to me. "_Where the hell have you been!_" I demanded.

"Mexico." Lestat replied nonchalantly.

"And _why,_ pray tell, were you in _Mexico?_"

He grabbed Louis' hand and held it up. Gold rings. Shit, they got _married._ In _Mexico. Freaking MEXICO._

I did a facepalm. "You people are pathetic."

"We know." Louis said.

I sighed. "Fine. Get your ass in here and make me some breadsticks, woman."

He half smiled. "I missed you too."

"_Damn,_ I missed your ass. Well, I mostly missed your breadsticks, but whatever."

.

"Willow… _Willow…_"

I murmured and turned over in bed. A tiny hand pulled on my sleeve. "Willow, wake up."

I peeled open my eyes and saw a wide-eyed Claudia standing in front of me, clutching a teddy bear she had conned me into buying for her. "Willow, my soul hurts, can I sleep with you?"

I sighed and closed my eyes. "Your _soul_ hurts?"

She nodded. "And I had a nightmare."

"You don't dream. You're undead."

"Just pretend, will you?"

I laughed quietly. "Come on."

She grinned and bounced onto the bed, cuddling up against me. "Goodnight, Willow. I love you." She said softly.

I smiled. "Goodnight."

Don't laugh, but this is how we spend most of our 'nights', which are actually days. She makes up excuses for not sleeping in her coffin, and I act irritated when in fact, the kid's like a teddy bear. And there's the heaviest blackout drape I've ever seen over the window, so I think we're good.

Before I knew it, she was shaking me awake. "Willow, wake _up!_" She said irritably.

"Whot?" I said from under my pillow, Eddie Izzard style.

She hit the small of my back. "Get 'cho ass out of bed! You promised to take me out for ice cream once the sun set!"

I laughed. "Okay, okay, I'm coming!" I threw my pillow at her.

"Remind me, whose idea was this?" Claudia whispered ten minutes later as she and I crept up to the car we were stalking. We stopped behind a bush and crouched in the shadows. She took one last lick at her chocolate ice cream come before just chomping it down. A second later, the only evidence that it had ever existed was the traces of chocolate on her chin and cheeks and the satisfied look on her face. Oh _hell_, that's so cute that should be illegal.

"Mine." I said nonchalantly. "Remember, we're doing this for the lulz."

"Lulz?" The incredulous look on her face was priceless.

"Yes, lulz. It means we're doing this for kicks. Getting high on evil, so to speak."

"Evil is a point of view."

I glared at her out of the corner of my eye. She looked far too smug to be healthy. I put my finger to my lips and moved forward. The teenager in the front seat was oblivious, nodding his head in time to the music.

We sprung.

.

**-Louis-**

I was reading a book when it happened. The _SAME BOOK I'VE BEEN TRYING TO READ FOR SIXTY YEARS. _Everyone always _loves_ interrupting me. And after sixty years, I'm on chapter… four. Two of them I read that night. My life is sad.

Anyway, I was reading when someone knocked on the door. I sighed and strode over from my seat, and carefully edged it open. A policeman was standing with his hand on Willow's shoulder. She had Claudia on her shoulders, and wouldn't meet my eyes. "Are they yours?" the policeman asked, raising an eyebrow.

I glared at Willow, who gave me a sheepish grin. "Yes. They are… _mine._" I said, gritting my teeth. "What did they do this _time?_" I gave Willow a purposeful look. Yes, I am fully aware of their midnight adventures.

"Are you familiar with the term 'Grand Theft Auto'?"

I paled. They wouldn't. "Oh, _lord_ no."

Lestat sidled up beside me, a smug grin on his face. "What's going on here?"

The policeman turned to him. "Your daughters stole a car from an innocent teenager, and the small one _attempted to BITE _the teenager on the neck."

My forehead made acquaintance with my palm, then I noticed something in the policeman's other hand.

"Are those my _tapes?_" I demanded, my voice rising an octave. I _like_ those tapes…

"The young boy that your daughters _assaulted in his car_ said they were. Would you like them back?"

I wordlessly took them out of his hands. Suddenly, Claudia burst out.

"We were only following in Lestat's footsteps! It's all _his_ fault!" She cried, frantically waving her arms and pointing at him.

"I'm sorry, sir, it won't happen again." I said to the policeman. I turned to Lestat. "Take them upstairs."

"Well _that_ ain't good." Willow gulped, breaking out in a sweat. I took Claudia off of her shoulders, and walked back inside. Lestat grabbed Willow, and followed me. She panicked.

"_I'M NOT SORRY!_" She cried, struggling against him. "_I DID IT FOR THE LULZ!_"

I slammed the door in the stunned policeman's face.

.

**-Willow-**

I winced as Lou whacked me over the head with his newspaper again. "Ow! Stoppit!" I yelped.

He ignored me and continued to hit me. "You _jumped_ an innocent child in his own car-."

"Lou, for all you know, he could be a mass murderer – OW!"

"You _jumped_ him, _stole_ my tapes-."

"And might I say that I just happen to _love_ Simon and Garfunkel – STOPPIT!"

"And you did this all with _Claudia!_"

"But it was fun…" Claudia whimpered.

Ten minutes later I scowled and slouched in my bed, hugging my new stuffed tiger, appropriately dubbed 'Stripes', except Stripes had some vampire fangs sewn on, courtesy of Claudia. "I can't believe they actually threatened to turn you." Claudia said with surprise, absentmindedly stroking her bear with one of her dolls tucked under her arm.

"You're lucky you're so damn cute. You only got off with a warning."

She grinned. "They won't _really_ turn you, they just need something to threaten you with."

"And they found it. I _like_ breathing, thank you very much." I winced. "Shit. Sorry."

She shrugged. "I suppose I liked breathing too."

Fuck. Fuck. Fuckity fuck-fuck-fuck. "... Well this is certainly awkward."

"Yes it is. Although I might be persuaded to forgive you if you let me eat the bird."

"NO. YOU ARE NOT EATING CHARLIE!" I turned and grabbed a different bird. "Take Sakura."


End file.
